A perfect articulation of how I feel about sports journalism today:

Fans have also turned to sportswriters to help them understand whether or not Bryant is hungry for a fourth championship ring. A survey of hundreds upon thousands of nearly identical but equally brilliant sports columns—penned by many different writers—and painstaking viewings of ESPN’s Around the Horn have confirmed that Bryant is, in fact, metaphorically hungry for said ring.

“After three championships, I was thinking that maybe he didn’t want or need a fourth,” said Los Angeles resident Derrick Glass, who has had season tickets to the Lakers for the last 15 years. “To be honest, I thought that maybe he only wanted to win with Shaquille O’Neal and didn’t really feel like proving that he could win a title without him, but fortunately Jay Mariotti and Woody Paige are paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year to steer me in the right direction on that one.”

http://www.theonion.com/content/news/nation_desperately_seeks?utm_source=a-section